Thankful for what we have...

It has been a few weeks since I have last been to church since our loss, and I was feeling guilty for starting to turn my back on my faith, and started fail at keeping a close relationship with God. Today, I decided it was time to change all of that! It was time to wipe the tears away and stop blaming myself for what happened. Though deep down I am still crying and even feel like I can't go on, I know Jesus loves me and He is sitting right next to me holding my hand and wiping the tears away. 

I have never been alone in my life I have always had my family and friends to surround me with love and support.  But when we have been told that we lost our babies, every time I have felt like I was alone and no one in this world could ever understand the pain I have inside me. Boy, was I wrong! I know that not only was I suffering, but so was my husband and those close to me. Just in that moment of time I felt like I was absolutely alone, like no one in my life could ever begin to imagine what was going on in my mind, I failed to remember that Jesus knows everything about me that no one else in the world could probably fully understand. And when I was wheeled into that operating room, being taken away from my husband's and parent's side, that Jesus was always there. He made sure the doctors had the knowledge and tools to do what needed to be done so that I could survive the surgeries even with complications (if any). God had sent Jesus to watch over me even when I felt like I wasn't going to make it though another surgery. And for that I am very thankful. 

I have continued to pray (not as often as I would have liked), but I have failed to give thanks for those doctors that knew exactly what needed to be done so that I can have another chance on getting pregnant and God willing have a successful pregnancy. I only prayed once and gave thanks for the specialist that I am being sent to but I have failed to continue to pray for their well being and that they too can help others as (I hope) they will help me. I know now what needs to be done so that I can get my prayers answered. I need to not only pray from myself and what I want but, I need to pray for others as well. 

In the bible Matthew 6 : 5-15, they talk about prayer and how Our Father knows that we want before we ask Him. And it also states that we should pray the Our Father. I have read this in the past a few months ago and never really thought anything about it, nor have I questioned Father David to get more insight on what was being said here so I tucked it in the back of my mind and never brought it up. Well, today at mass Deacon Ray said, "when we pray, we fail to realize that we begin our prayer with OUR Father. Its not my Father but OUR Father." He also shared a story about when his daughter was sick that he prayed that she would get better and that she would survive the surgery. Not once did he pray for the doctors, hospital or staff. He was just worried about his daughter. And boy, was this an eye opener! Because I am in the same shoes he was years ago, praying for myself rather than praying for others and giving thanks to those God has surrounded us with. Deacon Ray closed the Homily by saying, "You're not going to get a million dollar answer with a 10 cent prayer." I interpreted it as, if you only turn to the Lord when you want something don't expect miracles to happen over night. 

So, when things start to go wrong and you have no one to turn to or you feel like that is the only time you can pray just remember to give thanks for everything you have. Because in a blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Remember that you must first build a relationship with God and Jesus so that you can be come stronger and have your prayers answered. Remember He is Our Father, and He will give us what He thinks is right for us. So just because you don't get what you want over night, don't stop praying because in the end of it all it will pay off.

A great reminder...

"We have
Promises to keep
And miles to go
Before we sleep..."

-Robert Frost


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On my mind........6/19/2010

My cuts will heal, my bruises will fade but this emptiness in my heart/womb will never be healed. For the day we give birth to our first living child...it will NEVER replace the three Angels we have lost. We are proud parents of three Heavenly Angels unfortunately God had other plans for them rather than for them to be here on Earth with us.

Too good to be true written 6/17/2010

May 5,2010 was the happiest day of our lives this year. We found out we were pregnant after 5 LONG years of trying! Out of the blue God answered our prayers. Today I would have been 11 weeks 2days pregnant. Little did we know that at 8 weeks and 1 day we lost our baby. Today we had an ultrasound all we seen was an 8w old baby, no heartbeat. I should have known this pregnancy was too good to be true! After all the praying, all the Faith, and giving thanks it still wasn't enough to keep our baby growing inside. I am slipping into the darkness very fast. Something that took me 4yrs to get out of is sucking me back in. I want to keep faith and know that everything will be alright but I know its not. For tomorrow I have a scheduled surgery to help my body get back to 'normal'. After 5yrs I actually thought it was our turn. That things were working in our favor. Little did we know what was to come. We don't know why this keeps happening and we pray for answers. You know when I was younger my dream was to find the perfect partner, get married and start a family. I did not know nor plan for being here in 2010 having had 3 miscarriages already. Some people have told me not to get excited, don't tell anyone, don't get attached because you will only 'jinx' yourself. Do we not deserve to be happy while we are pregnant? Is it a sin to have a want and need for a child? What have we done to deserve this? I guess we will never know the truth. All we can do is mourn for our loss. It isn't fair! There are many that take pregnancies, children for granted. That isn't us! We have longed for our perfect family, instead we sit here and wonder why. Tuesday hubby took me to see Karate Kid and there was one line that stuck out to me: "life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not" I do not know where we go from here. If we continue or just walk away. All I know if that this is an extremely hard time for us right now. And we thank those that TRULY have been there for us. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Until next time...
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A great verse

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Matthew 7:7
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Never alone...

So a few weeks ago while in church I was hearing Father David's Homily and out of no where my eyes filled with tears, and the miraculous part is that I felt like God was sitting next to me holding my hand and letting me know that He has always been there even when I turned my back on Him. Ever since that day I have changed for the best and reflect on my daily challenges.  Remember when you feel you are alone in this world always look up to God and remember you are not alone, For He is right next to you holding your hand.

Just when I started seeing that light at the end of the tunnel............

Today I went to Lela's to pick up a memory card that my Tio Carlos wanted me to broadcast a video for him, when I got there my mommy was in the kitchen making carne with our favorite ingredients.  I asked her where everyone was at and she told me that my daddy and my sisters went to Eli's to take Moo and Anny back home and everyone else was working.  I sat there and waited for a while and the next part was SHOCKING!!!

Out of no where my mommy told me that the doctor found tumors (it was later that I found out it was about 5-7) and that I was in denial. I said to her what!?!?!?!?! She said they took out one before and I lied to her and told her I never knew she had some, (per daddy's request...one day daddy told me when he was taking me some where I can't remember where it was a few years ago, he didn't want us to worry and said that is why mommy didn't say anything to us).

...She didn't get to tell me in detail what the doctor told her because my daddy and sisters got back.  I didn't want to keep asking her. So when I got home after Manny and I went to return the movies to RedBox, went to dinner (Chinese), and to WalMart for some other things, I text'd her to ask her: "Okay you didn't finish telling me about what the dr said." Her response was (exactly how she txt'd it): "Im on line." 

As soon as I finished doing what I was doing I hopped on FaceBook and sent her the message again and here is our chat:  

Me (9:09PM)

okay so what did the doctor say

9:11pmMe

are you there

hello

hello

helll

hello************

9:12pmBlanca

YA

YA

YA

9:12pmMe

lol

9:13pmBlanca

DAM UR SLOW !!!!

9:13pmMe

lol i had to wash my hands hahahaha

9:13pmBlanca

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

9:15pmBlanca

he just said that i have 5to 7 tumers. had to go get blood work done. and that would tell him if thier cancer.

9:17pmMe

what!?!?!?!?!?

9:17pmBlanca

what don't u understand !!!! slow person.

9:19pmMe

no but i thought they took out everything last time you still have your ovaries

9:20pmBlanca

yes & my cervix too. so I might loss EVERTHING NOW.

9:21pmMe

 dont worry mommy God is going to hep you through this and will always be there to hold our hands

9:23pmBlanca

thaxs mija. u and ur siserts need to stop fightting like cats & dogs !!!! and start getting a long more. cause u never know whats around the coner.

9:24pmMe

I know that is what I have been telling them. They dont listen to me at all

9:25pmBlanca

it sure dosnt look like to me. but keep trying.

9:26pmMe

i will mommy did you tell them at lelas

9:27pmBlanca

ya. she knows . shes upset .

9:29pmMe

 dont worry mommy we have faith that we will only get good news

9:29pmBlanca

yes we will. well i have to go now mija. in pain. have to take my meds. good night.

u there????

9:31pmMe

good night mommy sweet dreams sleep with the angels

9:31pmBlanca

you too mija. MOM LOGING OUT !!!! LOL. LAMO.

 

9:32pmMe

lol  good night

9:32pmBlanca

LOVE U TOO GOOD NIGHT.

10:35pmBlanca is offline.

So now we are in the waiting game, I pray that the doctors say it is NOT cancer and do what they have to do! Our family has been through so much! And I know God will be there every step of the way. 

PLEASE GOD GIVE US THIS MIRACLE WE ASK OF YOU! I ALREADY LOST A BROTHER IN LAW LAST YEAR I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOOSE MY MOMMY!!! 

PLEASE keep my mommy and family in your thoughts and prayers!

Which Parable son are you?

Luke15:11-32

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15:11-32&version=NIV

In this scripture as you may have read, there are two sons an older son and a younger son.  On March 28, 2010 in Father David's Homily he stated that both sons where full of sin; the younger son was full of greed and the older son was full of envy.  After Father David pointed out a few key points in this Gospel, he went on to ask us to ask our selves, 'which parable son are you?'

A little more in depth, the younger son took every thing that belonged to his and took of, put himself first.  Not having a care in the world, filling his father's land with accessories vs necessities.  When he returned and his father celebrated him 'coming to life' the older son grew in anger and refused to join in he told his father that he has done every thing without disobeying him and the father 'never' acknowledged that.  This son wanted to do the same as the younger brother but he never did.  This is why this son had envy.

This got me thinking and of course I sat there and thought to myself about the actions these two have done and tried to compare it against my life.  I sat there in denial and answered to myself that I was neither.  I didn't see myself full of greed nor envy.  Boy have I ever been wrong!  Because later that week while continuing to reflect I have come to realize that I am 75% envious and 25% greedy, now this is where I explain it more in detail.

Envy:   a feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another

Comparing envy to my everyday life: Here I am a wife to the most wonderful man in my life and we are having a very challenging time TTC.  We are approaching the 5yr mark in September (praying we don't reach that mark and get out BFP).  Over the years we have had countless BFPs in our lives, and every one of them hurt us that much more.  I am going to be honest when I say this, every time we hear pregnancy news, get baby shower invites, or birth announcements. I ask myself, 'why can't that be me!?!?!  What do they have that I don't?  Why am I being punished?'  As you read in the last paragraph (the definition), being envious is wanting something that someone wants.  I am not going to sugar coat this at all, this is exactly what I go through every time this happens.

Greed:   An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth

Comparing greed to my everyday life: There have been MANY times in my life that I have said I wish I can just win the Lotto and pay off all my debt, my families debt, and huge houses for my family.  Now to some this may not be considered greed but the definition states: wanting more than one needs.  I am sure winning the Lotto and paying off debt is not part of that, but wanting the accessories is different.  I could and should say I want to buy decent houses for my family so we can all be together and the would probably still be border line but more realistic.  This is something we all battle in our day to day lives, and without even knowing it.

So let me ask you this...which son are you?  

Father David added at the end of his Homily that we should be the father, because the father in a sense is like God, and has never turned his back on his sons no matter what.  This has stuck with me since this day.  Numerous times through the week I go back to this Gospel and reflect on it and I am always reminded that no matter how many times I have turned my back on God and ran away from Him, that he has and WILL always be there for me.

On a side note on this day I went to the Spanish mass, and after this Homily I nearly broke down in tears.  because NEVER before in my life have I felt this to be so true.  During the singing of the choir and the rest of the mass, I felt this presence with me.  It was live God was sitting right next to me and holding my hand, letting me know that everything will be okay.

Later that week I told my cousin Elvira what had happened and she told me that from that point things only get better.  I have faith in this and I know that now more than every I will never be alone.  No matter how far away I turn from God he will never leave my side.  This is my reassurance that I WILL be a mommy soon and God is just waiting for the perfect time.

GOD IS GOOD!!!

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand is when I carried you."

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”


Author Unknown

Looking back at the past 7yrs with my husband I have realized that the plans, goals, and dreams we have had are just thoughts in our minds.  As the years pass it gets harder and harder to make them come true.  By now if we didn't have a miscarriage in 2005 we would have had a 4yr old running around, and who knows maybe another one too.  But life doesn't always turn out the way that we want them too.

Here we are going on 5yrs of Trying To Conceive with false hopes, broken hearts, stress, tears, and loosing faith.  It shouldn't be this hard to accomplish our dreams, I mean come on now! We are not studying to be a doctor or an Astronaut!  We are trying to have a baby, that for some comes in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that this is putting a lot of stress on my marriage and faith in my religion.  I have over the years gotten closer to God that I have ever been with in the past.  In the past if you were to ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you, "I believe in Him, but I don't always agree with Him."

Until yesterday I didn't really know what that meant until I was filling out a form for my church and that is when it hit me hard.  God will not always give us what we want, He will make us work for it and the more precious it is the harder He will challenge us.

But here are my questions, why would God challenge us so hard that it will consume our lives, and question our faith?  Wouldn't God want us to reflect on our challenges vs blaming our challenges on Him, not loving us enough to give us what we believe we deserve?  Why would he push us to the point that we blame not only ourselves but our spouses as well?

In getting this out in the open I am going to set an appointment up with Father David for sometime this week or his next available day to go over my concerns, questions, and doubts in my faith.  I know in my heart (rather it'd be realistic or a fantasy) that we are going to be a family and finally have the baby that we have been preparing for.

I think I just need that reassuring nudge in the right direction (if that makes any sense).  In the mean time I will do daily reflections in prayer and hope that it will teach me how to look at every challenge that God puts before me and realize that it is only building my relationship with Him vs against Him.

My cousin and daddy told me that Father David said in his homily yesterday, "We all have wolves in us battling-a good and a bad."  bringing me to my reflection for today, I am going to battle this evil I have deep within and prove to myself that I no longer need to look at the bad in everything but rather look for the good and embrace it.  In saying that I am going to try with all my heart to feed only the good.

Saturday, someone came to my door to get me to convert to another religion (something I will never do).  After a brief explanation of his religion and me denying the invitation, he asked me something that has stuck to me.  he asked, "Do you believe when you die will you go to Heaven where life is eternal."  I had to think about that but quickly said YES.  Then he asked me "How do you know that?"  It took me by surprise but I quickly answered I know my family will pray for me to find my home to God's Eternal Garden.  Then he said, "We should never relay on someone to push us in the right direction, we should in our hearts want to be there.  We are not perfect for this we sin, no man on this earth hasn't ever sinned. We are all humans and we shouldn't deny the fact that we have sinned, but rather reflect on it, and confess our sins to Him."  He then asked me if I have ever sinned and I said yes, I am not perfect and he said.  "Exactly!  God is the only one that has never sinned and he knows that we are going to make mistakes and he will always forgive them.  So we shouldn't automatically think that we can shut him out of our lives and expect for us to go to God's Eternal Garden when we die when we have denied his presence all along."

In this man saying this to me (and it couldn't be at a more perfect time in my life) I have reflected in my actions over the years of trying.  I have come to realize by me taking advantage of my body and not listening to it when it has told me I needed a break that someone bigger than me will help me realize that.  And that wonderful person is GOD.  No one else in the world knows what he has planned for me but HIM.  All I can do is work on my relationship with Him and build a better understanding of what he is trying to teach me in my everyday life.  

Everyday I wake up and take my temperature, when I check my body for possible signs of ovulation, or waiting to find out if we have reached our next goal I will do this with a smile in my heart.  Because God woke me up that day and taught me my time will come. 

Introduction

I have been thinking about doing this for a very long time.  I have finally decided to give this idea life, I am planning to do a few posts through out the week depending on the reflections for that day.  On Sunday's I will be posting about the gospel that was read at church and go from there.


This is going to be hard at first to remember to do and a weekly bases but I know that I will be able to keep up with it.  I am doing this more so, for my personal reference and guidance to what God is teaching me for that weeks' time.  You are free to follow this blog as well as my Trying to Conceive blog at:  http://ttc4toolong.blogspot.com/

Remember God is always there to listen to you even if you feel alone He is there holding your hand.