Never alone...

So a few weeks ago while in church I was hearing Father David's Homily and out of no where my eyes filled with tears, and the miraculous part is that I felt like God was sitting next to me holding my hand and letting me know that He has always been there even when I turned my back on Him. Ever since that day I have changed for the best and reflect on my daily challenges.  Remember when you feel you are alone in this world always look up to God and remember you are not alone, For He is right next to you holding your hand.

Just when I started seeing that light at the end of the tunnel............

Today I went to Lela's to pick up a memory card that my Tio Carlos wanted me to broadcast a video for him, when I got there my mommy was in the kitchen making carne with our favorite ingredients.  I asked her where everyone was at and she told me that my daddy and my sisters went to Eli's to take Moo and Anny back home and everyone else was working.  I sat there and waited for a while and the next part was SHOCKING!!!

Out of no where my mommy told me that the doctor found tumors (it was later that I found out it was about 5-7) and that I was in denial. I said to her what!?!?!?!?! She said they took out one before and I lied to her and told her I never knew she had some, (per daddy's request...one day daddy told me when he was taking me some where I can't remember where it was a few years ago, he didn't want us to worry and said that is why mommy didn't say anything to us).

...She didn't get to tell me in detail what the doctor told her because my daddy and sisters got back.  I didn't want to keep asking her. So when I got home after Manny and I went to return the movies to RedBox, went to dinner (Chinese), and to WalMart for some other things, I text'd her to ask her: "Okay you didn't finish telling me about what the dr said." Her response was (exactly how she txt'd it): "Im on line." 

As soon as I finished doing what I was doing I hopped on FaceBook and sent her the message again and here is our chat:  

Me (9:09PM)

okay so what did the doctor say

9:11pmMe

are you there

hello

hello

helll

hello************

9:12pmBlanca

YA

YA

YA

9:12pmMe

lol

9:13pmBlanca

DAM UR SLOW !!!!

9:13pmMe

lol i had to wash my hands hahahaha

9:13pmBlanca

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

9:15pmBlanca

he just said that i have 5to 7 tumers. had to go get blood work done. and that would tell him if thier cancer.

9:17pmMe

what!?!?!?!?!?

9:17pmBlanca

what don't u understand !!!! slow person.

9:19pmMe

no but i thought they took out everything last time you still have your ovaries

9:20pmBlanca

yes & my cervix too. so I might loss EVERTHING NOW.

9:21pmMe

 dont worry mommy God is going to hep you through this and will always be there to hold our hands

9:23pmBlanca

thaxs mija. u and ur siserts need to stop fightting like cats & dogs !!!! and start getting a long more. cause u never know whats around the coner.

9:24pmMe

I know that is what I have been telling them. They dont listen to me at all

9:25pmBlanca

it sure dosnt look like to me. but keep trying.

9:26pmMe

i will mommy did you tell them at lelas

9:27pmBlanca

ya. she knows . shes upset .

9:29pmMe

 dont worry mommy we have faith that we will only get good news

9:29pmBlanca

yes we will. well i have to go now mija. in pain. have to take my meds. good night.

u there????

9:31pmMe

good night mommy sweet dreams sleep with the angels

9:31pmBlanca

you too mija. MOM LOGING OUT !!!! LOL. LAMO.

 

9:32pmMe

lol  good night

9:32pmBlanca

LOVE U TOO GOOD NIGHT.

10:35pmBlanca is offline.

So now we are in the waiting game, I pray that the doctors say it is NOT cancer and do what they have to do! Our family has been through so much! And I know God will be there every step of the way. 

PLEASE GOD GIVE US THIS MIRACLE WE ASK OF YOU! I ALREADY LOST A BROTHER IN LAW LAST YEAR I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOOSE MY MOMMY!!! 

PLEASE keep my mommy and family in your thoughts and prayers!

Which Parable son are you?

Luke15:11-32

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15:11-32&version=NIV

In this scripture as you may have read, there are two sons an older son and a younger son.  On March 28, 2010 in Father David's Homily he stated that both sons where full of sin; the younger son was full of greed and the older son was full of envy.  After Father David pointed out a few key points in this Gospel, he went on to ask us to ask our selves, 'which parable son are you?'

A little more in depth, the younger son took every thing that belonged to his and took of, put himself first.  Not having a care in the world, filling his father's land with accessories vs necessities.  When he returned and his father celebrated him 'coming to life' the older son grew in anger and refused to join in he told his father that he has done every thing without disobeying him and the father 'never' acknowledged that.  This son wanted to do the same as the younger brother but he never did.  This is why this son had envy.

This got me thinking and of course I sat there and thought to myself about the actions these two have done and tried to compare it against my life.  I sat there in denial and answered to myself that I was neither.  I didn't see myself full of greed nor envy.  Boy have I ever been wrong!  Because later that week while continuing to reflect I have come to realize that I am 75% envious and 25% greedy, now this is where I explain it more in detail.

Envy:   a feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another

Comparing envy to my everyday life: Here I am a wife to the most wonderful man in my life and we are having a very challenging time TTC.  We are approaching the 5yr mark in September (praying we don't reach that mark and get out BFP).  Over the years we have had countless BFPs in our lives, and every one of them hurt us that much more.  I am going to be honest when I say this, every time we hear pregnancy news, get baby shower invites, or birth announcements. I ask myself, 'why can't that be me!?!?!  What do they have that I don't?  Why am I being punished?'  As you read in the last paragraph (the definition), being envious is wanting something that someone wants.  I am not going to sugar coat this at all, this is exactly what I go through every time this happens.

Greed:   An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth

Comparing greed to my everyday life: There have been MANY times in my life that I have said I wish I can just win the Lotto and pay off all my debt, my families debt, and huge houses for my family.  Now to some this may not be considered greed but the definition states: wanting more than one needs.  I am sure winning the Lotto and paying off debt is not part of that, but wanting the accessories is different.  I could and should say I want to buy decent houses for my family so we can all be together and the would probably still be border line but more realistic.  This is something we all battle in our day to day lives, and without even knowing it.

So let me ask you this...which son are you?  

Father David added at the end of his Homily that we should be the father, because the father in a sense is like God, and has never turned his back on his sons no matter what.  This has stuck with me since this day.  Numerous times through the week I go back to this Gospel and reflect on it and I am always reminded that no matter how many times I have turned my back on God and ran away from Him, that he has and WILL always be there for me.

On a side note on this day I went to the Spanish mass, and after this Homily I nearly broke down in tears.  because NEVER before in my life have I felt this to be so true.  During the singing of the choir and the rest of the mass, I felt this presence with me.  It was live God was sitting right next to me and holding my hand, letting me know that everything will be okay.

Later that week I told my cousin Elvira what had happened and she told me that from that point things only get better.  I have faith in this and I know that now more than every I will never be alone.  No matter how far away I turn from God he will never leave my side.  This is my reassurance that I WILL be a mommy soon and God is just waiting for the perfect time.

GOD IS GOOD!!!

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand is when I carried you."

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”


Author Unknown

Looking back at the past 7yrs with my husband I have realized that the plans, goals, and dreams we have had are just thoughts in our minds.  As the years pass it gets harder and harder to make them come true.  By now if we didn't have a miscarriage in 2005 we would have had a 4yr old running around, and who knows maybe another one too.  But life doesn't always turn out the way that we want them too.

Here we are going on 5yrs of Trying To Conceive with false hopes, broken hearts, stress, tears, and loosing faith.  It shouldn't be this hard to accomplish our dreams, I mean come on now! We are not studying to be a doctor or an Astronaut!  We are trying to have a baby, that for some comes in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that this is putting a lot of stress on my marriage and faith in my religion.  I have over the years gotten closer to God that I have ever been with in the past.  In the past if you were to ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you, "I believe in Him, but I don't always agree with Him."

Until yesterday I didn't really know what that meant until I was filling out a form for my church and that is when it hit me hard.  God will not always give us what we want, He will make us work for it and the more precious it is the harder He will challenge us.

But here are my questions, why would God challenge us so hard that it will consume our lives, and question our faith?  Wouldn't God want us to reflect on our challenges vs blaming our challenges on Him, not loving us enough to give us what we believe we deserve?  Why would he push us to the point that we blame not only ourselves but our spouses as well?

In getting this out in the open I am going to set an appointment up with Father David for sometime this week or his next available day to go over my concerns, questions, and doubts in my faith.  I know in my heart (rather it'd be realistic or a fantasy) that we are going to be a family and finally have the baby that we have been preparing for.

I think I just need that reassuring nudge in the right direction (if that makes any sense).  In the mean time I will do daily reflections in prayer and hope that it will teach me how to look at every challenge that God puts before me and realize that it is only building my relationship with Him vs against Him.

My cousin and daddy told me that Father David said in his homily yesterday, "We all have wolves in us battling-a good and a bad."  bringing me to my reflection for today, I am going to battle this evil I have deep within and prove to myself that I no longer need to look at the bad in everything but rather look for the good and embrace it.  In saying that I am going to try with all my heart to feed only the good.

Saturday, someone came to my door to get me to convert to another religion (something I will never do).  After a brief explanation of his religion and me denying the invitation, he asked me something that has stuck to me.  he asked, "Do you believe when you die will you go to Heaven where life is eternal."  I had to think about that but quickly said YES.  Then he asked me "How do you know that?"  It took me by surprise but I quickly answered I know my family will pray for me to find my home to God's Eternal Garden.  Then he said, "We should never relay on someone to push us in the right direction, we should in our hearts want to be there.  We are not perfect for this we sin, no man on this earth hasn't ever sinned. We are all humans and we shouldn't deny the fact that we have sinned, but rather reflect on it, and confess our sins to Him."  He then asked me if I have ever sinned and I said yes, I am not perfect and he said.  "Exactly!  God is the only one that has never sinned and he knows that we are going to make mistakes and he will always forgive them.  So we shouldn't automatically think that we can shut him out of our lives and expect for us to go to God's Eternal Garden when we die when we have denied his presence all along."

In this man saying this to me (and it couldn't be at a more perfect time in my life) I have reflected in my actions over the years of trying.  I have come to realize by me taking advantage of my body and not listening to it when it has told me I needed a break that someone bigger than me will help me realize that.  And that wonderful person is GOD.  No one else in the world knows what he has planned for me but HIM.  All I can do is work on my relationship with Him and build a better understanding of what he is trying to teach me in my everyday life.  

Everyday I wake up and take my temperature, when I check my body for possible signs of ovulation, or waiting to find out if we have reached our next goal I will do this with a smile in my heart.  Because God woke me up that day and taught me my time will come. 

Introduction

I have been thinking about doing this for a very long time.  I have finally decided to give this idea life, I am planning to do a few posts through out the week depending on the reflections for that day.  On Sunday's I will be posting about the gospel that was read at church and go from there.


This is going to be hard at first to remember to do and a weekly bases but I know that I will be able to keep up with it.  I am doing this more so, for my personal reference and guidance to what God is teaching me for that weeks' time.  You are free to follow this blog as well as my Trying to Conceive blog at:  http://ttc4toolong.blogspot.com/

Remember God is always there to listen to you even if you feel alone He is there holding your hand.