It has been a few weeks since I have last been to church since our loss, and I was feeling guilty for starting to turn my back on my faith, and started fail at keeping a close relationship with God. Today, I decided it was time to change all of that! It was time to wipe the tears away and stop blaming myself for what happened. Though deep down I am still crying and even feel like I can't go on, I know Jesus loves me and He is sitting right next to me holding my hand and wiping the tears away.
I have never been alone in my life I have always had my family and friends to surround me with love and support. But when we have been told that we lost our babies, every time I have felt like I was alone and no one in this world could ever understand the pain I have inside me. Boy, was I wrong! I know that not only was I suffering, but so was my husband and those close to me. Just in that moment of time I felt like I was absolutely alone, like no one in my life could ever begin to imagine what was going on in my mind, I failed to remember that Jesus knows everything about me that no one else in the world could probably fully understand. And when I was wheeled into that operating room, being taken away from my husband's and parent's side, that Jesus was always there. He made sure the doctors had the knowledge and tools to do what needed to be done so that I could survive the surgeries even with complications (if any). God had sent Jesus to watch over me even when I felt like I wasn't going to make it though another surgery. And for that I am very thankful.
I have continued to pray (not as often as I would have liked), but I have failed to give thanks for those doctors that knew exactly what needed to be done so that I can have another chance on getting pregnant and God willing have a successful pregnancy. I only prayed once and gave thanks for the specialist that I am being sent to but I have failed to continue to pray for their well being and that they too can help others as (I hope) they will help me. I know now what needs to be done so that I can get my prayers answered. I need to not only pray from myself and what I want but, I need to pray for others as well.
In the bible Matthew 6 : 5-15, they talk about prayer and how Our Father knows that we want before we ask Him. And it also states that we should pray the Our Father. I have read this in the past a few months ago and never really thought anything about it, nor have I questioned Father David to get more insight on what was being said here so I tucked it in the back of my mind and never brought it up. Well, today at mass Deacon Ray said, "when we pray, we fail to realize that we begin our prayer with OUR Father. Its not my Father but OUR Father." He also shared a story about when his daughter was sick that he prayed that she would get better and that she would survive the surgery. Not once did he pray for the doctors, hospital or staff. He was just worried about his daughter. And boy, was this an eye opener! Because I am in the same shoes he was years ago, praying for myself rather than praying for others and giving thanks to those God has surrounded us with. Deacon Ray closed the Homily by saying, "You're not going to get a million dollar answer with a 10 cent prayer." I interpreted it as, if you only turn to the Lord when you want something don't expect miracles to happen over night.
So, when things start to go wrong and you have no one to turn to or you feel like that is the only time you can pray just remember to give thanks for everything you have. Because in a blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Remember that you must first build a relationship with God and Jesus so that you can be come stronger and have your prayers answered. Remember He is Our Father, and He will give us what He thinks is right for us. So just because you don't get what you want over night, don't stop praying because in the end of it all it will pay off.
