Looking back at the past 7yrs with my husband I have realized that the plans, goals, and dreams we have had are just thoughts in our minds.  As the years pass it gets harder and harder to make them come true.  By now if we didn't have a miscarriage in 2005 we would have had a 4yr old running around, and who knows maybe another one too.  But life doesn't always turn out the way that we want them too.

Here we are going on 5yrs of Trying To Conceive with false hopes, broken hearts, stress, tears, and loosing faith.  It shouldn't be this hard to accomplish our dreams, I mean come on now! We are not studying to be a doctor or an Astronaut!  We are trying to have a baby, that for some comes in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that this is putting a lot of stress on my marriage and faith in my religion.  I have over the years gotten closer to God that I have ever been with in the past.  In the past if you were to ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you, "I believe in Him, but I don't always agree with Him."

Until yesterday I didn't really know what that meant until I was filling out a form for my church and that is when it hit me hard.  God will not always give us what we want, He will make us work for it and the more precious it is the harder He will challenge us.

But here are my questions, why would God challenge us so hard that it will consume our lives, and question our faith?  Wouldn't God want us to reflect on our challenges vs blaming our challenges on Him, not loving us enough to give us what we believe we deserve?  Why would he push us to the point that we blame not only ourselves but our spouses as well?

In getting this out in the open I am going to set an appointment up with Father David for sometime this week or his next available day to go over my concerns, questions, and doubts in my faith.  I know in my heart (rather it'd be realistic or a fantasy) that we are going to be a family and finally have the baby that we have been preparing for.

I think I just need that reassuring nudge in the right direction (if that makes any sense).  In the mean time I will do daily reflections in prayer and hope that it will teach me how to look at every challenge that God puts before me and realize that it is only building my relationship with Him vs against Him.

My cousin and daddy told me that Father David said in his homily yesterday, "We all have wolves in us battling-a good and a bad."  bringing me to my reflection for today, I am going to battle this evil I have deep within and prove to myself that I no longer need to look at the bad in everything but rather look for the good and embrace it.  In saying that I am going to try with all my heart to feed only the good.

Saturday, someone came to my door to get me to convert to another religion (something I will never do).  After a brief explanation of his religion and me denying the invitation, he asked me something that has stuck to me.  he asked, "Do you believe when you die will you go to Heaven where life is eternal."  I had to think about that but quickly said YES.  Then he asked me "How do you know that?"  It took me by surprise but I quickly answered I know my family will pray for me to find my home to God's Eternal Garden.  Then he said, "We should never relay on someone to push us in the right direction, we should in our hearts want to be there.  We are not perfect for this we sin, no man on this earth hasn't ever sinned. We are all humans and we shouldn't deny the fact that we have sinned, but rather reflect on it, and confess our sins to Him."  He then asked me if I have ever sinned and I said yes, I am not perfect and he said.  "Exactly!  God is the only one that has never sinned and he knows that we are going to make mistakes and he will always forgive them.  So we shouldn't automatically think that we can shut him out of our lives and expect for us to go to God's Eternal Garden when we die when we have denied his presence all along."

In this man saying this to me (and it couldn't be at a more perfect time in my life) I have reflected in my actions over the years of trying.  I have come to realize by me taking advantage of my body and not listening to it when it has told me I needed a break that someone bigger than me will help me realize that.  And that wonderful person is GOD.  No one else in the world knows what he has planned for me but HIM.  All I can do is work on my relationship with Him and build a better understanding of what he is trying to teach me in my everyday life.  

Everyday I wake up and take my temperature, when I check my body for possible signs of ovulation, or waiting to find out if we have reached our next goal I will do this with a smile in my heart.  Because God woke me up that day and taught me my time will come.